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 I'm hoping that today is a better day.



John



 



I know I'm going to be up crying about this for weeks, maybe even months. Right now my heart is absolutely broken. I have a pain in my chest and an emptiness in my stomach. I'm trying not to cry so I can be strong for my mom, sisters, and the other people here, but I don't think I can. Hearing everyone downstairs hysterically crying around you is bothering me. Just last night you were here, and now you're dead. Just last night you said my name the way you always do when I come home, "Ahunya-plu-ton-ye." Just less than 12 hours ago you were on the couch snoring obnoxiously loud. You were breathing and living. It doesn't feel real to me, but it is. It's like, I want you to still be here because you deserve to be here. Everyone deserves to be here. I wanted you to see me get married. I wanted you to see your actual daughters get married. I wanted you to see me graduate college. I wanted a lot of things, but I can't even think right now because I'm extremely upset. And this just completely sucks. I'm losing another person that I truely loved and cared about. I've been so happy lately and everything was amazing, and it's like everything's instantly been ripped out from under me. I can't even begin to express my hurt, pain, regrets, fears, and sadness.

I want pasta!



This is really random, but I suddenly have a craving for pasta... at 2:35 a.m.

I'm going to try to find someone to accompany me to dinner, or lunch so I can get some pasta! :D

I have a few people in mind, and if all else fails, I'll bribe one of my sisters into coming with me by offering to pay for their meal haha.

Nom, nom, nom, pasta! <3

EC

This poem that I found is so beautiful. :)

I gave you

pieces of my heart

no one else has seen.

Snipped into paper snowflakes

and wrapped in silken ribbons.

I let you take

pieces of my soul

no one else has touched.

I tucked them

into little boxes

laid them with lace

and dried flowers.

I watched you set fire

to it all.

I watched you set fire

to dreams I never had,

before I met you.

And I didn't move an inch.

 

Ouch

So, it's exactly 4:37 a.m. and I'm up drinking tea and playing computer games when I have school in the morning. Fun! And it's not like I want to be up either. I'm actually exausted. I have a stupid and annoying toothache though. It's keeping me up, and it hurts so bad! It's literally throbbing. Well, not at the moment because I'm doped up, but it was throbbing really bad not too long ago.

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow, which really freaks me out to be honest, because I know I'm going to need a needle. I'm freaking terrified of needles! They make me cry and shake, which is embarrassing to admit considering my age :/ Hopefully when I get one needle I'll have the courage to get the needles that I've needed to get in order to get my front tooth fixed. I've had about two or three chances to get my chipped tooth fixed a long time ago but I started crying and freaking out... and the dentists kicked me out of their offices. Whoops. I'm such a big girl, aren't I? I seriously want to get it done though, because I don't smile or talk the same with my tooth being chipped. I like to smile, and I can't smile like I want to with my tooth like this!! Plus I feel like it's hurting my game with the guys lol. I'm honestly soo terrified, but I'd rather have momentary pain that'll pass as opposed to reoccuring pain. Wish me luck! Ahh, I'm so nervous! :(

Good night



Life's been so good lately. I've been in this awesome zen state of thinking and feeling. I love everything about myself and life.

I put money in the bank toward my car today. I have a surprise waiting for me tomorrow. Plus I also had an amazing night at the carnival, and ate some yummy food at Ruby Tuesday's afterward.

Thank you universe! You're doing me well. Good night loves! :*

Philosophy on Love



I stumbled upon an awesome philosophical view on love today. I love anything that has to do with love and being in love, so naturally I was drawn to this:

"When it comes to love, you need not fall but rather surrender.
Surrender to the idea that you must love yourself before you can love another.
You must absolutely trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another.
And most importantly you must accept your flaws before you can accept the flaws of another."

Is this quote not anything but amazing? I actually fell in love with this quote. It's so beautiful, and true! <3

I love life



I love life a lot more now than ever before. For once I'm genuinely happy. I feel like every day is a good day, without medicine, and it's amazing! Having time to focus solely on myself and my aspirations has done me well. I've never felt this confident, pretty, and content with being alone. Cutting certain people off that I couldn't trust made a difference as well. I don't tweet, I don't post on Facebook, and I don't post on Instagram. I feel as though social networking has become a way for people to express themselves and divulge way too much information to people who either don't care, or to people who are nosey and just want to talk shit. No one really knows what's going on with me now, at all, and I like it this way. I feel awesome and I'm just extremely happy with my life at this point. All I can say about life is, enjoy it. Every day is wonderful! :)

Steps to Happiness

15 things you should give up to be happy

1. Give up your need to always be right
2. Give up your need for control
3. Give up on blame
4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk
5. Give up your limiting beliefs
6. Give up complaining
7. Give up the luxury of criticism
8. Give up your need to impress others
9. Give up your resistance to change
10. Give up labels
11. Give up on your fears
12. Give up your excuses
13. Give up the past
14. Give up attachment
15. Give up living your life to other people's expectations

A little optimism to get you through life, because happiness is a choice :)

Young Blood- The Naked and Famous

 

We're only young and naive still
We require certain skills
The mood it changes like the wind
Hard to control when it begins

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Can't help myself but count the flaws
Claw my way out through these walls
One temporary escape
Feel it start to permeate

We lie beneath the stars at night
Our hands gripping each other tight
You keep my secrets hope to die
Promises, swear them to the sky

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

As it withers
Brittle it shakes
Can you whisper
As it crumbles and breaks
As you shiver
Count up all your mistakes
Pair of forgivers
Let go before it's too late
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah





 

I absolutely love this song. I love everything about it, especially the lyrics. The first time I listened to this song in it's entirety I got chills and cried. This song is utterly amazing and captivating. I still cry whenever I listen to it alone. This song is the definition of youth. In short I think this song is about holding onto the precious memories of the past while also letting them go and moving forward. Everything seems so important, beautiful, and eternal when you're a teen, or young adult. In reality, things are ephemeral. This is so bittersweet and I'm trying to find a good balance between acknowledging what we had, but also letting it go. I'll fall back in love eventually. The old will be replaced with someone new, and the cycle will continue.

My kitten & Me :)

This is what me and my kitty Mimsy look like when we wake up in the morning. She's such a camera whore :)

 

And this is me when I finally get up, bored.

 

 

And this is me being bored in my mother's car later in the day. Merrp.

 







 

Fate!

I've learned and come to realize that you can't rush things. You also shouldn't try to force something to happen. If it's meant to be, it will happen naturally. You should be patient and go with the flow of things. You can't make a guy have feelings for you. You should give him space and time and let him develop feelings for you at his pace. Everything will eventually fall into place. If it's meant to be between you and another person, it will happen. :)

We belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us.

Puppy!



Omfg, my brother and his girlfriend just got the cutest puppy this morning. Isn't he the cutest thing ever? I'm so in love! <3 

And that reminds me of a random fact that I learned. A dog's nose print is as unique as human finger prints. Tripppy.

Mosquito allergy? Uh, what?

So uh, this is really weird and I didn't even know this was possible, but I'm allergic to mosquitos. I went to the park on Monday night to walk around, think, and look at the stars, and I didn't know it at the time, but I got bit a lot. So, I wake up the next day and my one leg is swollen and I have really bad rashes all over both legs, ankles, and one foot. Like, it looks really disgusting. And I'm crying and really worried, and I'm pissed that mosquito's attacked me through my tights. Well, I went to the doctor's and got medicine and everything. And I mean, I don't really have an ending to this story... but I didn't know that people could be allergic to mosquitos like this.